I’m a sexologist and I’m giving up sex for a year
"... think and see from the whole perspective. Not only does this lead to growth and progress as an individual, it reminds one that actions play a role in shaping a shared world.”
Abstaining from sex was not the level-up I was planning for 2023, yet here I am, a day after ‘Quitters Day’, and I’m still in the heady phase of resolution. I’ve got this!
The few people I’ve told have one question. “Why???” Ironically it all started with a booty call…
In the twelve years since I’ve been self-partnered (or solo poly or consciously single or in my slut era depending on the time of day and my mood tbh) I’ve met most of my lovers online – except Ben* who charmed me OG style in a bar a couple of years ago. He’s handsome, great company, fantastic in bed, hilarious and as open to the more adventurous side of sex as me. And we both know exactly what we are, which means there’s none of the usual messiness of a situationship. We’ve drifted in and out of each other’s lives (ok, beds) since then, being frank and open about our various other partners. In late 2022 Ben slid into my DMs and became the catalyst for my brave new (sex) world.
2022 was an interesting year for me sexually. I was already questioning my sex life, wondering if I had changed, if people had changed or if the world had changed. Surely this wasn’t something else that was COVID’s fault? I was still having sex, still hooking up, still listlessly swiping on dating apps hoping for the next big thing, but I was starting to consider how my sex life was serving me and why it wasn’t bringing me to life, sparking joy, and lighting up my world like it used to.
So, as great as Ben is, I didn’t jump when he messaged. “Yeah I might have some time before Christmas, but I have to wash my hair so idk”. His reply: “Well if we’re going to do it we have to do it before the end of the year because then I’m doing Monk Mode.”
As a sexologist I’m simultaneously fascinated by and a little sceptical of the tantric, gym-bro, #nofap, semen retention stuff that some guys get into. I didn’t know exactly what Monk Mode was but got the vibe that it meant Ben and I wouldn’t be having sex when he was in it, which didn’t especially bother me.
Turns out Monk Mode is a bit different to what I thought, but it was too late – he had somehow lit a fire under me one week from the end of the year.
And so, iconically, I couldn’t help but wonder: What if my New Year’s resolution is to give up sex for twelve months?
My immediate, visceral, full body reaction was NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
When I became single in my early 40s, I had an almost relentless curiosity about sex and what exactly it is that makes great sex great. Inadvertently I ended up in an informal personal research project (aka: having a lot of sex) that saw me testing and re-testing what would become a working hypothesis.
The things I discovered during that time would fill a half dozen PhDs and ultimately led me to follow a formal path of study into sexology, science, public health, sexual and reproductive health, sex education and eventually to my current work in sexual assault prevention and education. The keys to those discoveries were twofold: my innate curiosity which became hyper focused on sexuality, and my diligent reflection and pseudonymous documentation of my adventures by way of the wonderful world of Tumblr circa 2012.
While my sexual interests might have changed since then, my curiosity has never wavered. I consider myself a fledgling sex philosopher – I think about sex scientifically, intellectually, academically, emotionally, professionally and of course, with a view to actually having sex or experiencing solo sexual pleasure. What was interesting about considering giving up sex for a year was that, alongside the abject terror, it aroused in me a level of excitement that I hadn’t felt this past year.
I went over the what, why, and what-ifs of the proposal – because I’ll be honest, I couldn’t stop thinking about what I wouldn’t have. All the beautiful undiscovered partners for 2023 disappeared before my eyes, and I imagined myself explaining to my current, comfortable, familiar lovers why, even though I was, in fact, ‘up’, we still wouldn’t be having sex at 2am on a Sunday after we both stumbled home from our respective nights out.
As I was counting down the days until I had to make a final decision, I considered a concept I remembered from working with graphic designers and artists. Negative space is a way of thinking about the space that is between and around the elements of a design. In a complete coincidence as I researched this article I discovered that negative space was having a moment at the start of 2023.
Then I stumbled upon the Japanese concept of ma. A version of negative space, ma has been described as, “a pause in time, an interval or emptiness in space. Ma is the time and space life needs to breath, to feel and connect. If we have no time, if our space is restricted, we cannot grow.”
I found that ma resonated deeply with me and the way I was thinking about my new challenge. I was not interested in neglecting sex or abandoning it or denying it. I’m sex positive down to my heart and soul - this was my tension, and the source of my fear. I can’t remove from my life what I consider one of my energy sources. But for me sex needs to be deep, reflective, instructive, life affirming and transformative. I wondered if a year of sexual ma might have something new to teach me.
This wonderful post helped me to make sense of what I was thinking and feeling:
“The key point to take away from the concept of Ma is to take the time and space to step back, think and see from the whole perspective. Not only does this lead to growth and progress as an individual, it reminds one that actions play a role in shaping a shared world.”
Having arrived at a purpose that made sense I felt at peace with my decision to intentionally not have sex for 365 days. I am in.
I don’t know how it will go, but by the end of the 2023 I’ll probably be head over heels in love with someone - or planning a huge New Year’s Eve sex party. I’m totally down for either (or both!) But I will be here documenting, writing, reflecting and sharing what I learn from my year without sex.
Come with me?
*Names have been changed
Next Week: My Year Without Sex: The Rules (Note: Most of this content will be paid subscription only. Because I’m worth it.)