My Year Without Sex: The End

I gave up sex and then I gave up giving up. Trust me, there's a story...

It’s kind of hilarious that it’s over. And kind of cute. And kind of silly. But it is. I’m done with not having sex. And just like when I first made the decision not to have sex and everyone asked me why, when I gave up giving up everyone asked me the exact same thing: “Why?” Which really just serves to prove what I already knew: Sex is fascinating, and people are full of questions about it, and given that sex and curiosity are two of my most favourite things is it any wonder I became a sexologist?

I always thought my second piece in my year without sex series would be an exploration of the reasons why people might choose to live without sex. I listened to this wonderful lecture on ABC Radio National by Joanna Bourke  (Gresham Professor of Rhetoric, social and cultural historian) called “A Life Without Sex’. It’s one of those pieces of content that make you question why you create anything at all when you can’t possibly reach that level of brilliance. And hence why for the first couple of months of my sex-free experiment I was afflicted by writer’s block.  

Joanna discusses some fascinating aspects of life without sex including asexuality; religious celibacy; abstinence-only sex education and purity culture; the terrifying world of incels; and political celibacy including that inspired by radical feminism; and I wholeheartedly encourage you to give it a listen. She ends with this incredibly powerful thought:

“I do believe that sexuality can be subversive and serve the needs of social justice, but the politics of erotic resistance (in whatever form) is wholly inadequate to change our material worlds. Queerness is not enough.”

So now you can maybe see why in the face of this intellectual powerhouse I struggled to write anything at all about my reflections in the white space of celibacy.

But, for the period in which I had no sexual connection with another human – except those people who sought endlessly for loopholes and kept me entertained with questions such as:

So can I send you videos of me masturbating?

Can I watch you pee?

Can I touch your feet with my genitals?

… except for them I was deeply absorbed in reflection. How could I not be when I had intentionally created this remarkable void? All of the ways I usually interacted with romantic or sexual partners and potential partners had to change. If I were a more disciplined and less busy person I may have captured those reflections in a journal of some sort. But I didn’t. I’m a bit sorry.

But in the very early days of my little sex-free retreat, it was the reasons why folks might choose a life without sex or a life in which sex did not have the same prominence that it does in mine that I was drawn to. Of course asexuality was my first consideration which led me to explore what is known as the  Aspec and then on to various other ways of identifying such as demisexuality (needing to be emotionally attached to someone to feel sexual attraction to someone). I also looked into celibacy as practiced by those in religious orders, and more recently, sexual fasting, which is just a hip way of saying the same thing I was trying to say when I set my resolution.

Personally, I have always identified as allosexual: I experience sexual attraction regularly. In my many years of sexual exploration I have come to know sexuality and erotic energy to be guiding forces in my life. This deep alignment to sexual expression is intrinsically connected to my decision to study sexology and sexual and reproductive health. I now work in an area in which I can bring this passion to the fore, and I have never been more professionally fulfilled.

But really, the decision to reverse my resolution was, in the end, probably embarrassingly mundane and pedestrian. I was, quite simply, horny.

Photo by Crawford Jolly on Unsplash

Well, certainly when I framed it to myself – this was a big decision! – I gave it a LOT of poetic licence. I found ways to justify and rationalise my decision to have sex again that you would NOT believe.

So, given that you’ve kind of come along on this journey with me and have indulged me, I’ll give you the full wanker-y (pardon the pun) story of how I gave up giving up sex.

But you’ll have to wait for my next newsletter, because the muse has abandoned me, writer’s block has kicked in and I’m already thrilled I have these 700-odd words down on paper.

To be continued…